I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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