i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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