I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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