I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
