1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wanna go halves on a baby?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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