Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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