Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
