im drinking this country out of the recession.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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