im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
