you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
