Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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