wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's get the cat blown out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
