Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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