Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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