Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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