I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
