Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
