birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
