Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
