Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
