just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
