I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
