I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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