end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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