omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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