i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
