I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
