My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
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ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize