Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
