She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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