What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
