susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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