I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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