your thong is hanging out like whoa
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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