he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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