i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
