Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We won't sleep together?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We were destined to go to rehab together
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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