They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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