Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
