Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
