I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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