I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
