So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm passing your future prison.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
