I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
