Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
