It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
