I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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