he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
