I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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