I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
