I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
