Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
