DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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