he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
