i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
