If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
