The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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