If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
