My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
