I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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