im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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