His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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