That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
