just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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